The dark night

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arise

Black bird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free

Black bird fly into the light of a dark black night

Lennon-McCartney

Its like a switch in a room in my mind.

One moment, I see light and hope and perspective. I soak up my life and enjoy its myriad of blessings.

I am a participant.

Then depression visits in a room in my mind. Like a switch, I move from a participant to a bystander. I burrow into thoughts that are not like giving but life taking. Simple joys are numbed, simple tasks are exhausting and the most important things and people in my life are too much to cope with.

To the outside world, I am fine. I can still function, but all that energy pretending comes at a cost. It means I have nothing left to give to those closest to me. To them I am distant, I am volatile and sad.

I affect and effect others.

At times, I can find the strength to ‘snap out of it’. At others, I can open another door in my mind where I experience light, hope and perspective. Sometimes I can see the effect it has on my family and fight it

But that dark cloud still hovers over me and will leave when it is ready.

Sometimes its just too hard, I cannot do a god damn thing but let it consume me

What is my internal record?

You are so selfish? You are so fake! Why can’t you be normal! You are nothing. You are a terrible mother, You are weak! You are worthless

This state is not a stranger to me. I have had depression visit on and off for 17 years. Some visits are more severe than others. I have fought it, ignored it and wallowed in it.

In my 20s, when it returned, I was surprised. I thought it was something that I had conquered.

Now, when it returns, I allow it to. I put a management plan in my mind. Take medication regularly, go for walks, get fresh air. And if it doesn’t happen, the sun rises tomorrow to try again.

Now, I am back in the thick of it. I know the cloud will pass and perspective will comeback. In this acceptance, the visits are shorter.

In my madness, vulnerability and volatility, I am not the only one who suffers. I am incredibly grateful for my husband, children and parents who see the worst of me and despite being at the receiving end, show me love, forgiveness and compassion, without judgment. I am incredibly lucky and grateful. It is strange, but It is far easier to say this online than in person.

This blog is not meant to be a pity party for me. I really don’t want that and i am not in danger of doing anything cray cray stupid..lol

but I felt compelled to write this blog to be real. Life is not always roses and well. There are dark nights.

My wings are broken, my eyes are sunken.

I will wait for I know I will soon be able to fly into the light.